The Seduction of Thanatos

 original novel: https://monogatary.com/episode/33827

Title: The Seduction of Thanatos

Author: 星野舞夜 (Mayo HOSHINO)

August 15th. The sun had set a long time ago, yet heat and humidity filled the surrounding air.
I ran up the stairs of the mansion. My body is covered in sweat. 

"Goodbye"

Just one word* from her on LINE*.
I instantly knew what she meant.

*Sayonara is 4 characters in Japanese
*LINE is a text messaging service like Telegram and WhatsApp

Even though it was during the Bon Festival period, I was still at work. I prepared to go home and rushed back to my apartment.
On the rooftop of the apartment, outside the fence, I saw her standing there with lifeless eyes.

This is the 4th time she has tried to commit suicide.

It is said that there are 2 kinds of humans in this world.
Those controlled by the drive of life - Eros,
and those controlled by the drive of death - Thanatos.

Most human beings in this world are of the former, but she was definitely of the latter.  

I knew that she was of the group controlled by Thanatos even before we started dating. Of course that would be the case, because just like how we are now, I met her when saving her from committing suicide on this very rooftop. 

She was a girl that moved into this apartment building recently. With round, cute eyes and full lips, her cute like features that make fleeting expressions, she captured my heart in an instant. I'm sure it was something like love at first sight.

Since then, we started chatting about this and that and quickly became close. To me who was working in a black company* and living alone, she was like an angel that came down from heaven. 

*black company refers to a company that mistreats employees

I had a suspicion.
Whenever she plans to commit suicide, she would definitely contact me. And then she would wait where she was until I arrived.  

Dying without notifying anyone would be more certain, but perhaps she wants me to stop her from killing herself. Just like when we met, she wants to be saved. Perhaps she has such thoughts, that is how I chose to interpret her actions. 

That is why, this time as well, I ran up the stairs of the apartment.

*pant, pant*

I reached the rooftop.

Standing over the fence, I saw her back.

"WAIT...!!" I said.

I jumped over the fence and took her hand.
Her hand was cold, the opposite of the hot and humid atmosphere.

"Let go," she said.

A cute and fleeting bell-like voice. I also liked her voice.

"Why, are you, like...!" I asked.

"I want to die, faster," she replied.

"Why...?!"

"Because the grim reaper is calling."

She can see the "grim reaper". Those controlled by Thanatos, it is rare but apparently, some have this symptom. And the "grim reaper" can only be seen by those controlled by Thanatos.

"There's no such thing as a grim reaper!"

"Why won't you understand...!"

Whenever I reject the existence of a grim reaper, she would definitely wail.

The grim reaper appears to those who can see him in a form that is most attractive to them individually. In other words, the form of their ideal person.

When she is staring at the grim reaper (all I can see is empty space), her expression is like a girl who is in love. As if, she had fallen in love.

I hated that expression of hers. 

"Don't look at the grim reaper, look at me!!!"

"No...!"

She tried to shake my hand off, so I unconsciously tightened my grip on her hand.

"Ouch...!"

"! Sorry..."

But, it's your fault! You tried to shake my hand off! You won't look at me!

"The grim reaper wouldn't do such things...!" (such things aka hurt her)

Waves of blackness pierced into my heart.

"Why..."

Why, even though I love you so much, you won't look at me.

Somewhere in my heart, I felt like being jealous of the grim reaper was absurd, but I really couldn't care less.

"I don't want to anymore," she said.

I don't want this either.

"I'm tired already,"

I'm tired too.

"I want to die faster,"

"I also want to die!!"

At that moment, she lifted her head.

She smiled.

The moment I saw her smile, suddenly, I felt the blackness in my heart disappear.

Hmm? This, is this...

"You finally realised?" she asked.

"Ah... I finally understand."

"Really...? That's great."

Ah, I see.
Every time you planned to commit suicide and called me, it was not because you wanted me to save you.

You wanted to bring me along.

To me, my "grim reaper" was her.

A cool breeze drifted by. Before I realised it, I could not feel the hot and humid atmosphere anymore. 

"Well then, shall we go?" She asked.

"Ah, let's go"

Hands held, you and me.

As if escaping from the brokenness* brought about by the world onto us. 

We ran towards the night sky.

*The original word for brokenness was 焦燥(しょうそう). The dictionary translates it to impatience; uneasiness; irritation; fretfulness. I took the liberty to use the word brokenness to encompass these feelings.

_________________________________________

T/N: 

Whelp. That was dark. And probably the reason why people have flagged the mv as inappropriate on youtube. (https://youtu.be/x8VYWazR5mE)

Honestly, the whole Thanatos and Eros thing flew over my head as it didn't seem to play an important role in the story. But perhaps it served as an inspiration for the author. 

The "She said"s and "I asked"s are not in the original, I added them for further clarity about who is speaking. 

I found this story through the song by YOASOBI, Racing into the Night. It's a beautiful song despite its possibly slightly encouraging outlook on suicide :/ 

Today in the middle of 2021, we are in the midst of the Corona outbreak, and many places around the world are in lockdown. We see in the news that many have bleak chances of survival, but a myriad of ways to die. To go to work and risk death by a virus or stay at home and risk death by starvation, we choose how to die rather than choose how to live. Having more pleasant choices is a privilege, as it always has been.
Nonetheless, I hope that the story and the song do not encourage its readers/listeners to choose death by personal infliction. Death is precisely one of the symptoms of the brokenness of the world, not its solution. Except for one special death, the death of a sinless man which was, and is, and is to come, the solution to sin :3 

Thank you for reading all my rants hurr hurr. Do leave a comment with your thoughts and interpretations if you'd like >w< May you have a pleasant day, God bless and goodbye~ :3